I haven't written in months. I'm off work for a few days to get things done for the wedding and de-stress. Work has gotten a little trying lately. The Freshness has been sick for over a month now. He had a cough and then pnemonia. Now the fever is gone but he still has a really BAD cough. It's been hard on the relationship in a way. We haven't had sex in I don't know how long. And since his cough is so bad he can't really talk and sometimes he can't breathe, we don't talk a lot at all. I feel bad for him and I want him to get better.

The wedding is 45 days away. Whoo hoo!

Just got back a bit ago from another weekend with TF. In the past several weeks I've found myself disappointed. Or maybe just questioning things. Whe I was younger, becasue I grew up from 6 on without a father in teh picture, I got a lot of my self esteem from male attention. Now that I'm older I don't do the stupid things like flirting for attention or randomely hooking up with guys. But when I'm in a relationship, I want to know I'm desired. I've been feeling a little dejected lately. And maybe it's because our relationship is moving out of teh "impress eachother" stage into the "comforatble" stage. But I'm still very attacted to him and want sex a lot. A lot more that I ever have in teh past. And yes, I do know that there is tons more to a relationship than sex, but I still want it and want to be wanted. I understand that he's older than me and that sometimes he just doesn't feel like it. But I DO. And the fact that it doesn't occur to him that we could have sex rather than watch some tv show that we're not that into kind of bothers me. Why can't sex be entertainment? Hmm, there's nothing on tv, let's have sex! Makes sense to me. So, these things have been running through my head and I've also thought maybe my being so forward was bothering him, so I toned it down. But that didn't do me any good. So, yesterday I took the reins a bit. And afterwards, I almost resented him for making me act like a whore. Sex IS a very important part of a relationship/marriage. Hopefully, this will work itself out.

What to write, what to write? I'm going to try to force myself to write a lot more often than I do on my MySpace. I fear that with the miracle of medication, I've lost my creative abilities. When I was depressed I could write poetry, some short stories. And I had an imagination. But then again, it was all very dark and depressing. Longing, pain, etc. Now, I have nothing to complain about! I have a great job, a wonderful fiance', I could use more money, but it's not terrible and my relationships with my exes are good and are real friendships, I think. I'm too happy to be a deep person anymore. At least that's how I feel. There's no drama. I listen to music I used to love and it just doesn't apply. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like I've lost a part of myself by being on medication, I'm just trying to figure out what to do with myself now that I feel "healthier." How boring is going to work, coming home, maybe crocheting a bit, getting on teh computer and going to work again in teh morning? John says, "Talk to me, tell me something," and I have nothing to say! Well, life is good, I'm getting married and I love TF like no one else in my life, ever. I do nothing during the week, and I live for the weekends becasue that's when I see TF. I always felt like a dark, unique individual. Now, there's no darkness.

My general practitioner brought up taking me off my meds soon. That scares me. 1. She doesn't have the say, she isn't the one who prescribed them and 2. She doesn't know my situation. Anyways, I've been off them for a couple weeks because I accidentally destryed my pills with a diet coke bottle. And that was not a good time. I can definitely notice when I haven't taken them like I should. And others can, too. It's been nearly 2 years and that's the normal weaning off time. That freaks me out. What if I turn back into crazy girl who cries at the drop of a hat and feels like everyone is talking about her? TF won't like that. He met me when I was level, how's he going to react if he has to deal with psycho girlfriend?

So, I TRY to put the best foot forward when TF is coming to stay at my place for the weekend (we trade off since it's a 100 mile drive) but this week did NOT work out for me. So, it's 10 pm on Thursday and he'll be here tomorrow around 6:30. I HAVE to go to work so here's what has not gotten done due to being too busy and not being home and may not get done before he gets here. Laundry, not done, dishes still in the sink, litter boxes are smelly, my legs are still hairy and the apartment is just a plain disaster area. God damn it. I spent like 5 hours tonight trying to find something to wear to my boss/friend's wedding on Saturday and still don't have an outfit I'm happy with. Yes, I am a slob when no one is around to see. I can't amke up my mind if I want to stay up REALLY late tonight and clean or if I want to stress like hell tomorrow after work and try to get the cleaning done then. I HAVE to take a shower, which includes the shaving, teh doing of the nails and other things to get ready to be een absolutely naked and up close. So, I'm going to be up late anyways. I don't want him to know I'm messy. What is that? I want so much to seem like teh Donna Reed type. I swear I can cook, I swear I'm not a total pig, I'm always sweet smelling - all that bullshit. I'm so afraid he's going to discover something he doesn't like. So, maybe I should stop typing and get to it, huh?

So, my ex has moved back to my town to get his masters degree and invited me over tonight. (Tomorrow I get to help him move the rest of his stuff in. Yippie.) I surprised myself with how much I talked about TF. I was a bit worried that I'd still have that "what if I could be with him again" feeling but that didn't happen. SO glad. I really am content to have him as a friend and I really do love TF with all of my heart. I find myself smiling like a moron when I think about him. SO, yeah. John is back and I'm cool. We'll always be connected in some weird way because of the TERRIBLE relationship we had. He cheated, I attempted suicide (but not just because of him, there were a LOT of factors involved in that decision.) That was 10 years ago and we somehow always come back to being in touch, even after several years of no contact and over 1000 miles between us. It's hard trying to define a relationship with someone like that, with all of that history. And then there is our respective psychological issues. He has Aspergers which is a form of autisim that causes him to be a complete dick. And I have dysthymia and anxiety. Put that together. You get a paranoid chick who is EXTRA sensitive and can feel like her life sucks because the milk spoiled. And a guy who has no filter or ability to read other people and says the most hurtful things. And tehn he cheats too because he isn't happy with himself and gets his self esteem from the women in his life. Oh yeah, a match made in heaven. Now both of us are on medication and doing great. Maybe now I won't feel strung along and abused and he won't keep me tied to him only to boost his ego. Maybe we really can be the good friends we've been trying to be for 10 years. Wish me luck.

The Freshness is my fiance'. Can I just say, I've been engaged before. Don't even ask how many times. Okay, 5 and a half. I know, I know. That sounds terrible. But I am almost 30 and have had quite a few long term relationships. But when it came to actually planning a wedding, I came to realize I didn't really want to be with the guy for the rest of my life. In fact, some of them I didn't even respect. But TH, he's completely different. If I could take all of the things I loved and admired in my exes and put them into one perfect person, it'd be TF. He's funny, artistic, sarcastic, intelligent, an actor, sexy and confident. And he has the looks I'm drawn to. I've never been with someone I've been SO very attracted to mentally and physically. The other day he told me to take off my clothes and get in bed. I had to wait for him to get out of the shower and the whole time I was lying there waiting for him I was in a terrible state of arousal. Just the anticipation drove me crazy. I feel beautiful when I'm with him. Except I'm still shy about being naked. I don't know what I'm thinking. He's seen me naked and says he'd like it if I was always naked but I guess I wish my body was a bit more... something. Thinner, toned, who knows. Anyways, this feels like nothing I've ever felt before. THIS is what people call "falling in love" I guess. Being absolutely ga ga over someone. And another thing. When I find myself thinking about something we've done in bed I get a twinge, like a contraction in my uterus or somethimg. How weird is that?

So, I've decided to start this journal because my MySpace is too public. All of my friends (and some non friends) know about it. And people can search me. I wanted to start an anonymous journal in which I can post whatever I want and befriend others that share interests I may not want Joe Blow to know that I have. I'm absolutely obsessed with reading Kaya-s journal (see my friends page.) I'm not anywhere near being a slave but I like my man to have the control. And when I end up with bruises the next day, I love it. I want to be told what to do, I just don't have the ability to ask for it.